5 times meredith didn't want to see derek 1 time she did
by dearemma
Summary: The air is heavy, he takes another step, opens his mouth, he says Meredith in that way only he does, the emotion in the word more powerful than any speech could ever be. The door opens - its a cursing, it's a blessing. It stops him from saying what he wants to say, it makes him move the hand that was about to touch her back, the phantom touch of his fingertips making her shiver.


I wrote half of this yesterday, half of it today, while bashing Derek Shepherd to my friend but also crying about him because I have feelings. Also I love Meredith Grey more than anything in this world and if you don't you are wrong. Anyways, its sad and weepy.

* * *

**In a patient's room**

Blowing her bangs away from her face, Meredith enters the room, a friendly grin on her lips but nothing more. "Morning, Mr. Turner, how are you this morning?" its automatic, the way she moves around the bed, like a magnet, every step bringing her closer to him, stopping just centimeters away from his body, his scent enveloping her, too strong and delicious to be washed out by the clean air of the hospital - woodsy, fresh, a hint of cologne. It's been months since her bed, _her skin _, have smelled that way but some mornings, when she is just waking up, she swears she can smell it, between one heartbeat and the next, he is still there with her, grumbling about her snoring, kissing her languidly, making them late for rounds, but it disappears before she can grasp it, leaving her alone once more.

"Good morning Dr. Shepherd." his name is heavy on her tongue, its all she gets to call him these days - Dr. Shepherd. He isn't Derek anymore. Not to her at least.

"Morning ." its torture, that's what it is. To have to work with him after all they shared, it's unfair, its illegal, the way he still smiles at her, grin. "Please present." his blue eyes are trained on her, heavy, she can feel him like he is a part of her, a limb she doesn't know how to use but is still connected to her body.

Her explanation is perfect, neuro has always been her passion and she memorized everything about this case, it's a once in a lifetime tumor - she wants this surgery; every step of the procedure, everything about the patient's history, how they will proceed and why surgery is laid out so well, that even Bailey doesn't try to take her off the case, she earned it.

The chart is put into her hands, the other interns grumble, Bailey tells her to do a good job and Derek - he smiles, that beautiful twist of a lip that's half smirk, half grin that won her over one night at the bar. "I will see you on the O.R. Dr. Grey." a nod, and he is gone. It hurts her pride to admit that she lives for these little interactions, that sometimes they are the highlight of her day - she is a strong independent woman who needs no man, god damn it. But she loves him, and no amount of man bashing sessions with Cristina and Izzie can deny that. She loves him, and she doesn't know how to stop.

**2\. In surgery**

His surgeries are quiet, concentration is required when it comes to the brain, the nurses barely move, the only sounds are those machine made. He sometimes speaks under his breath, repeating his plan, sometimes his head snaps up and he asks the interns and residents pointed questions, testing their knowledge. At times he talks out loud, explaining his every move, teaching people to be like him. But in surgeries like this, there is no time to waste on words.

She doesn't like this silence, because she is sure people can her heartbeat. The way it spirals whenever he looks at her, and does he look at her! Blue eyes, that darken when they zero in on her, the irises becoming almost black. One second his eyes are trained on the brain, the next they are on her, swallowing her whole, and it's the most exhilarating feeling - to be seen by Derek Shepherd. Her face reddens and her heart gallops, and she forgets her words when he asks her questions. That didn't used to happen before, but now she isn't used to being in his sights, and each moment is precious, and she is trying so hard to immortalize it, that she forgets to be a surgeon. She hates him for that. She worked so hard to get here, to prove people, _her mother, _wrong. But she still lets him have this effect on her.

Disappointment can't even begin to describe the emotion she feels about herself - she should know better than this, she has earned the respect of the other surgeons - Webber, Burke, Bailey, they know she is good, that her hands are delicate and can get the job done, but there is no respect in this room, only the dirty sad feelings of a woman left by the man she was dating so he could go back to his wife.

**3\. In the elevator**

They meet at the elevator, sometimes alone, sometimes there are other people, but everytime, her feet touches the ground and she is enveloped by the memories of the moments they once shared. After that first kiss, it became their little game, their spot to be together. Today only the two of them fill the space, and yet they are standing too far apart, there is a space for one person to stand between them - maybe because one person does, her presence always felt.

"You did good work today, you saw that cyst before anyone else. It was small, barely a thing, and you still saw it." he is doing that thing with his voice, where its low and filled with awe and she can imagine the way he is pulling at his bottom lip, his body turned in her direction. She is imagining it because she refuses to look at him, her eyes are at the numbers on the panel, waiting for them to shift. She refuses to look at him, because bad things happen when she looks at him - like staring at his lips, his arms, it makes her body fill with longing. Her eyes make her remember what it was once like to be kissed by him.

"Thank you." her teeth scrape across her lips, her voice small. "It was an excellent surgery, you were amazing, the way you controlled that bleeding, I didn't think he was going to make it. It seemed like a lost cause… But you did, you were incredible." if only he wasn't such a good surgeon, maybe it would make it easier to avoid his surgeries.

"Yeah." she hears his clothes rustling as he moves closer, her eyes flutter, closing in their own accord, her breath catches - he is so close. "It was."

The air is heavy, he takes another step, opens his mouth, he says Meredith in that way only he does, the emotion in the word more powerful than any speech could ever be.

The door opens - its a cursing, it's a blessing. It stops him from saying what he wants to say, it makes him move the hand that was about to touch her back, the phantom touch of his fingertips making her shiver.

Burke stares at them.

They stare back.

She leaves, clutching the bag over her shoulders, her goodbye lost in the wind.

**4\. In the emergency room**

Everyone is paged, there was a pile up on the freeway and they need all hands on deck. The emergency room is pure chaos, people rushing from one place to another, orders being barked, screams of patients and loved ones as the scent blood settles in the air. It's too many injuries, time seems to rush, not wanting to be here, wanting to escape the pain of this moment.

She is stabilizing the patient's neck when he enters, Addison just behind him. There is nothing she can do here - the man isn't pregnant, Meredith wants to shout, but Addison starts helping because she is good like that and an excellent surgeon, she is going to help even though she doesn't need to, because she takes her oath seriously and Meredith is the terrible person who wants her to go away because she wants to pretend momentarily that nothing has changed and she is going to be the one helping Derek.

They work extremely well together, a well oiled machine, their movements practiced, they listen to one another, they bicker, argue and the patient wins because of that. Because they find the best solution to his problem, he is going to live, he is going to be able to pick up his daughter in his arms soon because Addison reminded Derek of a technique he hasn't used in years and the way his eyes lit up is a stab to her heart.

And she stands there, still an intern, still learning, just doing what she is told while they dazzle and save the patient. She has never felt the years between her and Derek so strongly before - it was always his references that were a bit too different, his music taste that she found insufferable, it was never this. She had always admired his experience, his knowledge, it was impossible not to. But she felt like a child in her light blue scrubs, small and insignificant.

They rush to the O.R., Addison is pulled away, a pregnant woman just came in and they need her.

This surgery is different from the one this morning, Addison's presence hovers more strongly than ever, filling in the spaces between them, making the distance feel bigger, he doesn't look at her like he did this morning, _like he was looking at Addison ten minutes ago, _this surgery is professional, he asks her questions related to the case, does not banter or try to make the conversation about something else, he is simply a surgeon and she is his intern, he asks her questions, she answers it, the nurses move around, shooting her glances - will they ever stop? Probably not, at least until she stops shooting him glances.

The surgery ends, he leaves.

Does it make her feel victorious to feel his eyes dart to her one finally before he leaves the surgery? She isn't sure, the nausea is too overwhelming a feeling to feel anything else. She should have stayed home and pretended not to hear the page, she would have been alone and missed out on a surgery, but maybe her heart would still be in one piece.

**5\. The elevator, _again_**

Tired, cranky and just ready to end the day, Meredith steps into the elevator, hoping to be in bed in the next twenty minutes, nothing can disturb her now.

"Wait!" heels click alluringly as they approach, a manicured hand slipping in between the elevator doors. Addison smiles as she enters, conscious that people are irritated with her, but smiling so beautifully, her expression so charming, that everyone immediately forgives her. Derek's face is glum, his entrance less dramatic, he adjusts his coat and leans against the wall.

"You were good today Meredith." this time the compliment doesn't come from Derek, its Addison who is talking, honest, open, truly impressed with her. Twice in one day she shares an elevator ride with a Shepherd (two Shepherds this time) and they compliment her. And she can do nothing except grimace, uncomfortable with the attention Addison gives her.

"Thanks, you were… amazing. The two of you are incredible together." Derek's head snaps up, looking between them, and Meredith feels horrible to be there under his gaze, sharing his gaze with his wife as he tries to puzzle out their interaction - they are all friends aren't they? Friends compliment and support each other, but underneath this layer of friendliness they all pretend to share, they all know the truth. Addison stands between them, her expensive perfume fills Meredith's nostrils, just at the end she can smell the tang of Derek's cologne - the thought that it might be coming from Addison, that the two of them are at a point where his smell clings to her makes her breath catch. She tries to hold it, to stop herself from breathing, but she doesn't; they would think she was a little girl, holding her breath, to see how long she can last.

She wants to throw up. But the elevator is slow, and they continue in that position, the words settling in, awkwardness making them all shift. Well, Meredith and Derek shift, Addison is too poised to do something like that, but her lips purse, her gaze becomes less friendly, more sad.

Finally, bringing in fresh air, the doors open.

"Goodnight Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd." she nods, not looking at either of them, but at a spot between them, her smile just one curve from a grimace, her eyes tight. The day has been long and after this interaction, it will become longer still, she will analyze it over and over again, in the car, in the shower, in bed as sleep refuses to come.

They say their goodbyes, Addison, grateful to see her leave, Derek's infused with a longing that he doesn't even bother to hide anymore.

**6\. In bed**

Tangled blonde curls spread across the blanket in a wave, thrashing from side to side, sleep isn't coming like it should. Thirty six hours at the hospital on call, sleeping only two hours, she should be already in dream number four, but the nightmare of her life keeps her awake. The bed is too big these days, the body that used to fill it, the arm that used to hold her body down, warm and safe, is no longer there.

Sheets tangled in her legs, Meredith stares up at the ceiling, lips dry since she forgot, again, to take a chapstick to work, wetting it with her tongue over and over again even though she knows that it only makes the situation worse.

A tequila bottle, empty, stands on her bedside table, her only companion these days. But its been empty since yesterday, today it didn't help lull her to sleep, it just stares mockingly at her as her brain creates scenario after scenario to haunt her. Addison is living in the trailer these days, she has heard her complaining about it. Meredith liked it though, the fresh air, the view of the lake in the morning, mist curling on the floor as she and Derek snuggled on a blanket on one of the chairs, naked save for the clothes they didn't bother to take off before sleeping. His land had always felt like theirs, she belonged there in a way she didn't belong in many places - this house, by her friend's side, in the hospital - those were the only places she ever belonged until his land, until he had stared at her, unsure of her reaction and she had taken his hand.

All day long, she had suffered through every interaction, wanting nothing more than to see him leave, his presence reminding her of everything she couldn't have. Running into him was torture, seeing him happy with Addison reminded her that she was struggling to find a happy place without him.

But right now, in this empty house, in her empty room and even emptier bed, she really wanted to have him here. Her memories weren't enough, she loved him and she wanted him.

But he picked her. Choose her. And she was left to pick up the pieces and glue them back together.


End file.
